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[personal profile] daltoned

I really do feel like a misfit everywhere. Sometimes I’m fine with it, because I’m happy being me and that’s that, but sometimes I really just want to be 100% accepted and fit in somewhere. (The closest I’ve got to that is my Quainers, who I love and adore. ♥)

But I really do feel like a misfit in every area of my life. I feel like a misfit in my gender identity, because I don’t really fit any of the boxes—I’m too feminine to be masculine, too masculine to be feminine, I have too many female interests to fit in with the guys and not enough female interests to fit in with the girls. I feel like a misfit with my sexuality because it really just wibble-wobbles all over the place. I feel like a misfit when it comes to fucking Hogwarts houses, for crying out loud! I feel like a misfit in my own household, because I feel so alienated on a daily basis. The same goes for my friends at school. I thought that fandom would be my place, but I feel alienated as a Klainer because I ship Quaine as well and adore Quinn; I feel alienated as a Faberry shipper because I ship Klaine and Quaine; I feel alienated as a Glee fan because I love Sherlock just as much; I feel alienated as a Sherlock fan because not only do I love Glee, but I also love Klaine (because apparently the only Glee and Sherlock fans allowed are Kurtofsky shippers). Not to mention, being one of the few guys in fandom sucks.

I don’t fit in with the artists because, frankly, I enjoy it now and then but it’s not really a passion. I don’t fit in with the musicians because I don’t do orchestras. I don’t fit in with the writers because half the time I’m too terrified of fucking up and failing to actually sit down and write, as much as I long for it. I don’t fit in with the scientists and mathematicians because, even though I work on logic and analysis, I can’t handle numbers for shit because my brain mixes them all up and it’s pretty much exactly dyslexia but with numbers. I’m too clever for some people to be comfortable around me and not the right sort of clever for the other people. When it comes to English and reading, I adore it all but apparently I don’t read the right sort of stuff—I’m not interested in the classics, the Austen and the Dickens and the Wordsworth. I don’t fit in at a grammar school because I went to a private school when I was younger, and I’m constantly getting shit from people about how I should just bugger off to a posh private school because my parents have money. I don’t fit in with the private school crowd because I’m at a state school and because my parents don’t have enough money. 

I just feel so “othered” in every fucking area of my life and god, I just desperately want it all to stop so I can just be calm and just be and exist in a way that doesn’t make people treat me strangely. Why is that so much to ask for? 

I constantly dream of a time when I’ll go to university and be surrounded by people with the same interests as me, who don’t constantly other me, who allow me to just be and I’ll finally feel like I fit. But every day I’m starting to doubt that that’ll ever happen, and I’m starting to want to stop hoping because it’s only going to hurt even worse when it never happens. 

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June 2012

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