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[personal profile] daltoned
A lot of people say that labels are limiting and confining, but I find there to be a sense of confirmation and freedom in labels. Finding a label that fits gives me an "aha!" moment--I feel like I'm okay, like there is something to explain this strangeness I'm feeling. It makes me feel better, to know how to describe myself--I can't stand not knowing how to describe something, my identity included. It's not really something that I need to know in order to justify myself to other people, but instead so that I can categorize myself in my head in order to go about my usual business without my identity slopping all over the place waiting to be neatly filed away. 

I get quite frustrated with how often my identity shifts and evolves, but I'm coming to terms with it now that I've realised what's happening. I find it useful to keep track of my identity labels as they grow and change, as the labels start to pull at the seams and no longer fit quite right, like an item of clothing which has shrunk in the wash. 

At the moment, I think I would label myself as:

grey-romantic bisexual male-presenting agendered person/transboy


I know the following:
  • I value close platonic relationships over typical romantic relationships. When I think of a soulmate, I don't think of somebody I'm going to fall madly in love with; I think of the closest friend I could ever have and somebody I'm never intellectually bored by. Somebody who shares my interests and who can read me like a book and knows when to leave me alone and who doesn't get upset or confused when I don't want to talk to them for days at a time. 
  • I like the idea of romantic relationships (such as in fiction) but feel little desire to maintain one myself. It just...doesn't interest me. Sexual activity interests me, and I like friendly cuddling and hugs and hand-holding, but I have no interest in the romantic sort or the type of interaction that means something romantic, such as lingering looks across a room. 
  • It's more common for me to get "squishes" than for me to get "crushes". Squishes are the aromantic equivalent of a romantic crush, but platonic and often intellectually based. I often get fascinated by certain people; I want to spend time with them, to talk to them and interact with them, and just to generally see inside their brains and understand what makes them tick. I usually also desperately want them to be friends with me and to like me too, and get frustrated when they find me boring. 
  • I get really uncomfortable and feel extremely smothered by romantic interaction. It makes me feel fidgety and ruffled and generally just Not Good. Trying to articulate this to my girlfriend is going to be....really awkward, to say the least. I know I should stop putting this off, but trying to explain to her that I like her an awful lot, but not really in a romantic sense because that just isn't on my spectrum and makes me feel uncomfortable.....well, yeah, I can't see a way of saying that without upsetting her. 
  • Sexually, I like both guys and girls. For different reasons, but I like both. Benedict Cumberbatch is a perfect example of what I find attractive in a guy. Dianna Agron is a perfect example of what I find attractive in a girl. End of. I don't like one more than the other; I like them both equally, but differently. However, I don't see myself ever engaging in anything with a guy simply because it would seriously trigger my dysphoria. 
  • I oscillate between being agendered and male, with a preference to present as male. Simply put, I don't feel gendered in my head to a huge extent, but I feel much more comfortable presenting as male physically. When I do feel gendered, I usually feel strongly male. I feel most comfortable with male pronouns and being treated as male. 
  • I sometimes wish to have, in the future, the typical wife-and-kids deal. However, I've come to realise that it's not the typical wife-and-kids deal at all--what I really want is a solid, secure partnership with an extremely close friend, minus the romantic involvement, with whom I feel comfortable raising children. It's taken me a while to figure out the difference, but that's what it seems to actually be.
It used to freak me out, how fluid and complex my identity is, but now I'm embracing it and trying to enjoy what new doors each label opens. 
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daltoned: dalton uniform (Default)
Adam

June 2012

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